10. Cheaper, cuter clothes. This one is pretty basic, and I suppose obvious, but I thought I would start here and get less obvious from here on out. Clothes shopping for me now is an utter nightmare. Clothes in larger sizes are unflattering and more expensive than their smaller, cuter counterparts. Going into the dressing room is somewhat like trudging to your own execution. You just "know" the clothes won't fit, and if they do, they won't fit well, and in a week or two, you imagine they won't fit at all. And many times, that's what happened to me.
I'd look at outfits other girls were wearing, I'd breeze past the smaller sized sections, seeing a cute dress or top on the rack and knowing I would look great in it, if they had it in my size. And then I realize that they won't, and I sadly meander to where I belonged, the dreaded Women's section of Kohl's. I'm just tired of automatically seeking the largest size pants in the store, because that's all I could squeeze into. I'm tired of shopping at Lane Bryant, where they have nice clothes, but they are expensive, and the taboo at shopping at the "fat women's" store is just no fun.
I haven't owned a pair of shorts or a bathing suit in years. That is no exaggeration. I have not bought either item of clothing for myself, ever, and I want to. I want to wear shorts, and a swim suit. I don't hate swimming as much as I say I do. I actually enjoy it. But what I hate is wearing a bathing suit. Having to wear a shirt and long pants into the pool because I can't stand any skin of my body showing. I failed to realize just how sad that was until now.
I don't want to be afraid. I want to be able to wear cute clothes that make me feel good. I want to be able to wear shorts, and skirts, and dresses, and a bathing suit without feeling like all eyes are on Shamu waddling around the place in clothes she shouldn't be wearing because she looks terrible. I don't want to battle the muffin top, even in the store's largest sizes.
And don't even get me started on the fact that I'm also short. I'm always walking around in pants that drag the floor because in order to get a waist size that fits, the legs are always far too long and I'm constantly walking on them, making this dragging noise on the floor and tearing up my pants. It looks ridiculous, and I can't wait to be able to buy smaller waistbands and find pants that fit me, instead of me trying to fit the last size available.
I want to fit these:
Not just these:
So I really want to lose weight and fit into those smaller sizes so that I can feel like there are clothes available to express my style, that I look great in, and that are cheaper. Oh, and I want to buy a bathing suit this summer. And shorts. And a sundress. :D Things I've never owned before, but I really do want, even though I pretend I don't.
9. School desks. This one may sound a bit strange, but it is a serious motivator for losing weight. The college that I attend has those desks that are all one piece... you know the ones:
Notice how there are no legs supporting the front half of the chair... Well, I remember a horror story I overheard once about a girl who was sitting in one, and it collapsed underneath her, and she was basically stuck inside it, the desk and chair having come together to sandwich her in it. Ever since then, seriously, this is no joke, I've had a fear of this happening to me.
Not to mention, for larger people, these desks are not comfortable. There's not much room between the back of the chair and the desktop, so I was always squished into them uncomfortably, one of my asscheeks would be hanging over the edge, it was awful. I would be totally uncomfortable all through class, propping myself up on my left leg, practically putting all my weight on my leg, afraid to trust the chair to hold me up. Isn't that awful?
I want to be able to sit in a school desk and not feel dread and fear the whole time. I want to sit in them comfortably, I want to be the size of person they were intended for, especially since I will be back in them this fall semester.
8. Crossing my legs. I'm sure that 99.9% of the women in this world don't have to think about crossing their legs. They just do it. They could be wearing pants and cross their legs when they sit down. They could be wearing shorts, a skirt, a dress, a tutu, whatever the apparel, they just sit and cross their legs. It looks sexy if they are wearing a skirt and have nice long fit legs. It looks normal and lady-like if they are in business casual slacks and a top. I can't do it. I can't remember a time I ever could cross my legs.
It seems simple, and women take it for granted. Imagine not being able to. Your legs are not thin enough to just do it. I have to either twist my body into an uncomfortable pretzel to cross my legs, or just not do it at all, and more often than not, I don't do it at all.
I want to be able to. And I will.
7. Impressing my Mom and learning from her mistakes. My mother has struggled with her weight her whole life. It got to the point where surgery was the only option she felt she had to lose weight. She regrets that decision to this day, and I'm proud to say, she's lost over 200 pounds on her own and is at a healthy 130 pounds today. I almost wish she would gain a bit of weight because it hardly looks right, seeing her so thin, when I'm used to her weighing more.
I want to show her that I won't blunder along in her shadow, I will see what she's accomplished and strive to accomplish it myself. I don't want my whole life to be defined by my struggle with weight. I'm only 22 years old. I'm going to beat this way earlier in life than she did, so that I can learn from her mistakes and make her proud. It's really hard when your mother is in far better shape than you are, and you're only 22. So I'm going to step up to the plate and make her proud!
6. Future career. I want to work in radio or television. Now I know what you may be thinking: "Gina, no one has to see you in a radio booth, so who cares what you look like?" Wrong! In order to get a career in the media field, I feel you must present a smart, together, confident look to people you're basically selling yourself to. I want to be that confident, well-spoken, intelligent woman, who can stride into the office building of a radio or television station and knock everyone's socks off.
I also feel that being overweight holds me back from moving up in my own company. Sound crazy? Get this: I've worked at the site I work at for almost two years now. A new girl comes in on first shift. She's thin, in shape, wears cute business casual clothes, always looks put-together and pretty... she barely works there three or four months and the company we're contracted under asks her to work for them.
Now I'm not saying her being thin is why they hired her. She was probably more qualified, she probably went after the job, which I didn't, and she was better acquainted with everyone since she worked first shift and I worked second shift. Plus, I don't even want to work for the company in question. But could I have beat her to the job in a head-to-head duel? I doubt it. The job is for a receptionist, and I honestly just don't look the part. I'm never put together, my clothes are never nice. I take the excuse that no one sees me on second shift (I am the only person in the whole building on second shift) way too literally and use it to be lazy.
Maybe if I looked better, companies could approach me because I have a great work ethic, I'm on time to work, I work hard, I'm focused. But I don't look like I care about my job, when it comes down to it.
So I want to have a better appearance at work, and losing weight and getting fit will definitely help me to reach that goal.
5. Feeling as sexy as I act. I talk freely about sex. I'm open about my sexual desires and wants and needs. But I don't act on those wants and needs because I don't feel sexy enough. I want to buy the sexy lingerie, the nighties, I want to feel like I could possibly fulfill a man's fantasies, instead of expecting him to close his eyes and think of England just to get through it. I don't want to have to settle in the romance and sex department.
I know the definition of sexy is not a pants size, or a weight, or a body type. It's different things for different people. But I want to feel sexy, is the point. And no, I know I don't have to be a stick insect to feel that way. I don't want to be a stick insect, far from it. As I've expressed before, I love curves. I love hips and tits and a nice round ass. I don't want to see bones or be able to count my ribs. But I know I want to be smaller than I am now, because I will have more energy, I will feel more comfortable around mirrors, men might even look at me twice for reasons other than my shirt tag is sticking out. I want to evoke thoughts of sexual desire when I walk into a room. I want that sort of attention. I want to feel like I deserve and can garner that type of attention. I've never felt that way, and I want it.
I shall have it, by golly.
4. No longer have to tell my friends to remove pictures of me from Facebook because I hate how they look. My friends can probably tell you some horror stories about stressing texts or Facebook messages from me, BEGGING them to remove a picture they innocently uploaded of a friendly gathering we may have had, or a party we all attended. I'll see pictures others have posted of me and I will feel this insatiable dread in the pit of my stomach. I want to be sick, I want to cry, I want to scream. Is that what I really look like? I can't stand it!
So I beg, I plead, a few times I've been angry, demanding to know how they could possibly think I looked alright in a certain picture. Were they just wanting to boost their own confidence? I feel terrible for the angry messages, and silly for the polite ones. My friends should be able to express, however they want, the fun times they've had with me, and I want to express the fun times I've had with them. But staging every "acceptable" photo myself, from the infamous "Myspace angle" that makes me look thinner, is annoying and stressful. When a friend pops out a camera, I immediately feel like running and hiding, and I beg them not to take pictures, because I know when they pop up on Facebook, the same battle will have to happen.
I don't want to have to do that anymore. I want to be able to see pictures of myself and smile, even the bad ones, because everyone takes bad photos now and then. I want bad photos to be a "now and then" type of situation. Not an "every single pictures makes me look like a beached whale" situation.
3. Him. There's a man. He lives overseas. We've been talking for a while now, and he makes me incredibly happy. We have plans to meet. I want to appeal to him in person as much as I seem to over the internet. Yes, he's seen me on camera, he's seen pictures, but I cleverly hide my "trouble areas" so he can't be scared away, not just yet. And he probably wouldn't be, because he's a great guy, and he seems to like me for me, not just how I look. But I'm still too terrified to risk it. And I don't want to be terrified, and I want our meeting to go amazingly well. So I'm losing weight also to feel good about myself, and look good, when I finally get to meet this fella.
Now, I'm NOT advocating changing your body for a guy. Oh no no no. He doesn't like skinny girls, he doesn't talk all the time about how hot thin models are. In fact, he talks a lot about how girls with curves and nice boobs and a round ass turn him on. He doesn't like "stick insects" as he calls thin girls. So it's not like I feel I have to be stick-thin to impress him. I more want to have the confidence to feel good about myself when we do meet. I don't think I'd be a disappointment, it's nothing like that, I just want to feel good enough to strut up to him in the airport and smile and know that I've got him hooked.
2. Health reasons, namely: Diabetes. Diabetes runs in my family, so I'm at a high risk for it just for that fact. The fact that I'm overweight, and have been for years doesn't help that risk. I'm scared of becoming diabetic. I've seen members of my family slide into diabetic comas and unable to be woken up in the morning. I've seen family members coming close to having parts of their bodies amputated due to diabetes. I've seen family members doing their insulin injections everyday.
I don't want that for myself. I want to beat it before it can catch me. This one may not seem so secret or unobvious, but I never talk about this sort of thing, and it never pops up when I talk about losing weight. But everytime I go to the doctor, when I go to the gyno, anywhere they have to weigh me, I get the "Here's some tips on losing weight" pamphlets. I usually swallow the lump in my throat, tuck them into my pocket, and go about my day, wishing that didn't have to happen, why do doctors have to be so annoying?
They aren't. They are looking out for my safety and well-being and I'm finally heeding their warnings!
And my number one "secret motivator" for losing weight? You didn't see this coming, I guarantee it...1. Easier hair removal. WAIT, WHAT? Yes. The top reason, the reason that pushed me over the edge and into this whole journey, was shaving my legs in the bathtub one unassuming afternoon about three weeks ago... It was so hard to reach around and get the back of my thighs. I had to use a mirror to see certain parts of me because I couldn't twist and maneuver myself into the positions necessary to see and shave them. I know it seems random, I know it's weird, but...
I WANT TO BE ABLE TO GO TO A SALON AND GET MY LEGS AND BIKINI AREA WAXED WITHOUT SHAME OR FEAR.
Weird? Yes. Random? Yes. That's why it's the number one secret motivator for my journey to becoming a happier, healthier me. I want to be able to wax my legs without using multiple packets of strips because the normal box doesn't have enough. I don't want shaving to be a few hours' chore. I don't want the hair removal lotions to leave chemical burns on my skin because it takes too long to cover the other leg once I have the other one covered.
I just want that whole process to be easier, less of a hassle. Personal maintenance shouldn't be something I fear and dread and only do when I absolutely have to. Being a smaller size would definitely help in that endeavor. Less skin to worry about, and I could be more flexible and able to get to them and take care of them. Plus, I could even leave it to the waxing professionals now and again...
So there you have it, ladies and gentlemen... the top ten secret motivators for my personal journey to a happier, healthier me. Think of your own! I'm sure you can come up with lots of them that weren't even on your mind initially and might even surprise yourself. I know I did!
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