torn

I miss him so much.

I miss being open and myself with him. Now I feel, in some ways, I have to hold back. I don't want to break down and be a blithering nutcase begging him to fall in love with me and be my one and only for always and ever... I would just come off as an immature idiot (which I suppose I am, for the most part) and it would drive him even further away (not that 3,000 miles isn't already pretty fucking far).

I lay in bed earlier today during a rare and silent moment in my apartment. I listened to the sadness in my head, wondering if it would ever go away. In a relatively short time, he became so important to me. Thankfully, I'm not completely without him, because we've kept in platonic contact. But it still hurts. Thinking that he will be kissing someone some day that isn't me. Thinking that he will be touching someone intimately some day that isn't me. Thinking that he'll be loving someone some day that isn't me.

It's tearing me apart. And yet it's my fault. I should have shut the fuck up and just kept going on the path we were on. Maybe in a few month's time, he would have been more conducive and open to meeting in person. Maybe I got froggy and jumped far too fast for his broken heart to catch up.

Maybe he genuinely never wants to meet me. Maybe I'm just a distraction from his own loneliness and will never be enough to supersede and conquer his loneliness. I thought I could be, I know he succeeded for me. For almost eight months I saw nothing but him. Yes, I had a few slips here and there, but he was truly the only man on my mind, the first man in my life that I've ever considered being completely myself around. I was totally ready to give him my everything: all my fears, my insecurities, my love, my life, my body, my heart, my soul. He could have easily had it all, all he had to do was be willing to accept it.

He wasn't, and probably never will be. I must have misread him, or just took for granted that his continued interest in me was anything more than a distraction from his life. It felt so good to be wanted, needed, and liked in a romantic capacity.

I don't blame him for anything. He didn't do anything wrong. He didn't lead me on or lie to me. He was always open and frank, we just legitimately never discussed our meeting until I blatantly asked him in a serious manner if he would consider it a year from now. He replied openly and honestly that he wouldn't be ready.

Should I have stuck around and given him the benefit of a doubt? It's too late for that now. Even if I begged him to take things back to how they were before I started demanding more, it would just never be the same.

We will never be the same.

I miss him so much.