cold

In a way I feel like Rosario Dawson in Men in Black 2, just not as sexy. When she felt sad, it rained. It would seem Mother Nature is coinciding with the fearful cold in my heart and dragging the day's temperature down too low. The weather was beautiful yesterday, the literally perfect temperature. Today it's almost unbearably cold because it's so unexpected and so sudden and so harsh...

I couldn't agree more, Mother Nature. I couldn't agree more.

The weather outside is how I feel inside. I just wish I were a bit more cold so my heart would actually freeze and stop hurting so much. How melodramatic do I sound right now, eh? But it's so true. With every breath I feel on the verge of tears. It took a lot of restraint not to let the tears flow in front of a room of studying college students as I received e-mails from him and responded. I felt so emotional, so torn. I literally just want to dig a hole, crawl in, sleep, and maybe never wake up.

Why wake up? Why? What do I possibly have worth trudging on for? In the words of the amazingly talented Brandi Carlile:

"...And these stories don't mean anything/When you've got no one to tell them to...

...You see the smile that's on my mouth/ Hiding the words that won't come out

All of my friends who think I'm blessed/ They don't know my head is a mess..."

All day long, when things would intrigue me, I'd immediately want to share them with him. For the last eight months, that's what I've done. I shared the minutia of my day with him, and he shared most of his with me. If I needed help or information, he'd help me. If I wanted to watch something, we'd watch it together. If someone told a funny joke in class, I shared it with him. And on and on and on...

I feel more alone than I've ever felt because I don't have anyone to fill that void. No one cares like he did. Yes, I have friends and family, but they have never listened to me like he did. He genuinely would listen and comment on my most mundane or most insane theories and questionings of the world. Now I can only talk to my car stereo, which spews unrelated lyrics back at me. 

I miss him so fucking much and it hasn't even been a full 24 hours yet since I decided we should just be friends. He's agreed that we can be friends, even though we both know it will be hard to go back a few steps into the Friend Zone. But I guess like the removal of a Band-Aid, the pain is quick and loud, but fades away to nothing. I'm hoping time can heal this wound. So hurry up, time... please. I don't know how much longer I can tolerate this hole in my being... I'm leaking out fast and I don't know how much of me is left...