My life feels very much like it's out of my control. I feel like my priorities are not my own, and the world or fate or destiny or God or something outside of my own body is rolling the dice and my luck is running out. It seems that almost all of my decisions are turning out wrong. It's gotten so bad, that people are commenting that I look half-asleep all the time and they can't believe how calm I am about everything that's happening because I should be freaking out.
The truth is... I've run out of tears. I've run out of voice. I've run out of motivation. I've run out of energy. I don't have anything left in me to care. I simply can't get angry or sad or mad or anymore. I'm doing good to get up and get on with life. If I let myself concentrate on all the pressures currently pushing on me, I'd sit still, stare into nothingness and let the world move forward without me.
Because I'm at that point... I'm ready to give up.
I keep having nightmares about having to move back into my parent's house. I keep having nightmares about not having the money for rent. I keep having nightmares about not having a car.
These aren't just figments of my imagination. They are very close to being reality and I don't know what to do. Although school is the only positive thing happening in my life right now, if I knew what I know now at the time of registration, I would have put it off at least another semester if not a whole extra year. I didn't know, of course, that I would buy a car and the car wouldn't run a week without needing over $500 worth of repair and then STILL not run properly. I didn't know that the Sherman Mitton Bridge would shut down and so it would cost more gas, more time, and more stress on my already busted car. I didn't know that my lifestyle would have to change. I didn't know. I wish I had somehow known...
I miss being happy healthy Gina. I miss losing weight and feeling great about myself. I miss being in control of my life, feeling like I could live for me. Now I'm living for IKON, I feel like. I'm living for the almighty dollar. I have to stress out about having a car so I can get back and forth to work and school, mainly because of money. If I drop out of my classes now, I will fail them all because it's too late to Withdraw. If I fail all my classes, I lose my scholarship money and will have to pay for this semester, and every other semester from here on out, out of pocket. Obviously I can't quit my job, because without a job I can't pay rent or buy food or put gas in the car that will get me back and forth to school.
I owe Mom a thousand dollars for my car. I owe my credit card company almost $700 for the repairs to my car. I owe IUS $0.80. I know, that's a comical amount, but I can't pay it online so I have to go into the Bursar's Office and everyday that goes by makes the amount inch higher and higher because it gathers late fees.
Finances are killing me. I don't sleep well, I only eat fast food anymore, in the car, on the way to or from work or school. I haven't worked out since August. I feel like such shit, I'm gaining weight, I hate myself and where my life is at the moment. I just want to give up. I don't know how much longer I can logically keep going on this rollercoaster ride. I'm fed up and I want to get off.
I know everyone has problems. They have kids to feed, bills to pay, diseases to live with or conquer, prejudices to overcome and so on and so on. But these are the problems I have and they seem so much bigger than me. My bank account hasn't been this low since I worked at McAlisters or the science center. I've always had a few grand extra in the bank to fall back on. Well... I've fallen back on them and it hurt. Now I'm struggling to get back up and I'm afraid I won't be able to.
I wish I could wake up from this bad dream...
I want to go back to getting enough sleep every night... to having extra money in my bank account... to losing weight, working out, and eating healthy home-made meals... to hanging out with friends on a weekly basis... to being able to smile and laugh and have fun without my eyes giving away the fact that my mind is constantly worrying about everything in the background...
I want to go back to living and being me while doing it. I'm tired of being this shell-Gina, this emotionless statue of worry and anxiety. I wish I could go back and never buy that car. Or go back and wait another semester on school. Or go back just to go back. I was happy three months ago. I was in love, I was becoming a healthier person, I was waking up and looking forward to the sunrise and the new day.
Now my alarm goes off and the first emotion I feel is an unrelenting urge to roll over, cry, and scream to the world to just go away and leave me alone.
But the world doesn't listen, and thus... I trudge on.
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