Something About Self-Confidence

I'm starting to realize what a difference a little self-confidence really can make in one's life. I've heard schoolmates of mine from high school describe me as very popular and outgoing, always surrounded by a ton of friends and well-liked.

My experience, I must admit, felt very different to me. I know I had a lot of friends, I know people liked me, and I know that I was popular among the outcasts. (I won Homecoming Court my junior year of high school without ever waving a pompom, seemingly an impossible feat.) However, I never spoke up in class to give an answer, even if I knew beyond a doubt that I was correct... I never struck up conversations with people I didn't know or who weren't introduced to me first... I grew my hair really long as a defense mechanism. I could hide my bad complexion and double chin behind the long hair. I wore nothing but jeans, t-shirts, and grubby sneakers (and once a week, my ROTC uniform). I never wore makeup, dresses, heels, skirts, nothing girly ever. I am willing to bet that Military Ball and prom were the only instances colleagues of mine ever saw me in feminine clothing that fit my body without swallowing me in extra folds of unnecessary fabric...

I felt like the most shy and awkward person ever to grace the halls of my high school. I felt invisible most of the time, and I preferred it that way.

A few years later, and I'm quite a different person, although some of me is remarkably the same. I've gone on more dates this year than any other year in my life. I was in an actual relationship for a little over a month, I was doing a long-distance... thing with a guy for a little over seven months, and now I'm seeing a really great guy.

Things are looking up and I have to attribute a large bulk of it to my growing sense of self-confidence. I wear "sexy" clothes that make me feel good about myself and show off my body. I wear makeup here and there, to bring attention to the face I was constantly hiding back in high school. I strut my stuff around now, knowing that I am dateable, attractive, and fun to be around. I know I'm intelligent, I know I have lots to offer to a conversation, I know I can express myself and be accepted.

In a way, it feels like it snuck up on me out of nowhere... but I know a huge bulk of it was losing some weight, and another part was in maturing and growing up. I know that people's opinions of me aren't that important. I'm not going to impress everyone I meet... and I no longer try to. I put myself out there, I'm either accepted and liked, or rejected and not liked. Either way, I'm still alive and intact at the end of the experience, so I can get on with my life, either with a new friend or not.

I'm starting a new relationship, a clean slate, stepping forward into another phase of getting to a permanent Happy Healthy Gina state of mind. It feels a lot closer today than it did a few days ago. I'm not completely over everything that's been going on in my life... but I'm realizing that learning from my mistakes is a lot healthier than dwelling on them, regretting them, and drowning in them.

So I'm swimming to the surface so I can smile in the bright warm sunlight again.