Here I go again getting in the way of my own happiness...
Sometimes I fearfully wonder how much the distance between us plays an active role in our attraction and yearning for the other... if we had met, say, in a club or on the street, would we feel the same about each other as we do now? In person, would our conversations have gone so deep, our sharing have been so personal and profound, our emotions so stretched and emaciated? I really do wonder if the mystery of him is enough of an alluring aspect of him to be the only alluring aspect of him...
This is one of my biggest fears... the other being that in person, my ugliness won't outweigh (pun intended) the positive parts of my personality that he's supposedly been able to explore more deeply considering all we have is conversation to connect with. We can't touch, we can't taste, we can't smell... we can only hear, and to a point we can see each other via webcam. Is that enough to really know someone? Is that enough to fall in love with someone?
I've been second-guessing myself lately. Really, there's nothing wrong with taking a step back and evaluating your emotions and feelings and figuring out just where, when, and why they came from... but I'm also afraid I'm only trying to talk myself out of something. I'm really good at side-stepping potentially hurtful or dangerous situations that could damage my heart or my head. I just close down and back away.
I don't want to do that, and I don't think he would let me, if I'm honest. Thinking of waking up one morning without his presence in my life is actually a very scary thought. I've never felt that way, truly, about anyone besides family before. I've been depressed thinking about that looming terror of death in the family and it's been scary and heartbreaking imagining what that could be like, but to feel that way about a physical stranger from another country? Someone I've never touched, I've only talked to and seen on a camera?
Am I crazy? Am I nuts? Is this stupid of me to feel this way? Why am I so compelled to believe in this man, to trust him, to share everything I am with him? Why am I so willing to open myself up and let him have me, flaws and all? It's been six months since our first-ever conversation (which was over Skype and lasted over 11 hours, by the way) and he's managed to become such a natural and integral part of my life, I just don't know what I would do without him.
And unlike with most people in my life, I am confident in saying that he feels the same way about me. I know that he cares for me, and has feelings for me. I've never felt confident or comfortable even daydreaming that anyone felt that way about me or ever could. But he does, and it's such a soothing and wonderful notion.
But even that doesn't erase the miles of dramatic ocean stretching between our two great countries. If plane tickets weren't so expensive, and vacation time from work not so scarce, I would have already been to England again by now. I miss the country so much, it's like a home-sickness for a place I've only visited once in my life. And now he's there, and that makes it so much more like a home I need to return to.
But even with those certainties, my stupid brain sometimes slips into doubts and fears. Is this all in my head? I joke with him that even he is a figment of my imagination and that he doesn't really exist. Wouldn't that be a plot twist to end all plot twists?
Besides his realness, I doubt sometimes how well we'll click in person. I know that shifting from online personas to the real-life thing can be tricky and oftentimes, disappointing. I don't want that to happen. I've given six months of my young life already to only this man. I deleted all my dating site profiles, I ignore any advances I may receive (granted... there are none, but I swear if there were, I would turn them down!), and I've settled in for the long-haul.
Is this ridiculous? I just don't know. But for now, it's working. The only thing straining the relationship is my lack of free time now that school has started (we've been reduced to texting back and forth, and only being able to talk on Skype 2-3 times a week for a measly hour or so at a time. That's a BIG difference from 2-4 hours everyday!) and the impatience of wanting to meet and not being able to because now is not the best time for either of us (money being both of our main issues at the moment).
If we can hang on and keep going strong, I think this could really work. I can't explain why I feel this is so right, but I do... so onward and upward! I can't let the creeping uncertainties keep me from enjoying myself and him to the fullest extent our circumstances will allow!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment