So nothing is really happening in my life beyond go to work, go to school, wash, rinse, repeat. I'm getting tiresome of my job, sometimes my man wears me down, school is a bit wearisome... I never get to work out, or make wholesome delicious meals anymore...
I just feel myself becoming numb and just sliding through the world unnoticed. Save for a few highlights on the weekends (like last weekend where I got my car and went to see Dracula with my mom and bestie). my weeks are uneventful, unfun, and not really worth getting out of bed for...
The highlight of my day today? Being able to eat a ham sandwich I made for lunch. It felt so good to eat food that I didn't overpay for and that I made with my own hands. It was a simple ham sandwich on wheat bread with cheese and mustard... but I made it, and that felt good. Tomorrow I plan on making a shrimp salad sandwich and soup for lunch and salsa chicken burritos for dinner.
However, as I just remembered, I wanted to go get my oil changed tomorrow after school... that could cut out my lunch-making time! :( -sigh- I just want to be able to make all my own meals and exercise everyday... why is the world so against me? You may wonder why I don't just exercise at work, like I used to... well, work has been flooding me with a ton of projects, so I hardly have time to breathe, let alone work out... I usually work through my lunch break, I can't work through my lunch break if I'm downstairs hitting the elliptical... Also, if I'm not working through my lunch break, I'm usually doing homework and many times, it's the only time I have to do homework!
But I need to take time for myself to better myself. Starting tomorrow night's shift, I'm going to go back to working out every night on my lunch hour. It's ridiculous that I never have time to make myself feel good anymore. Maybe that's selfish, but I need to get back into exercising. I feel weight slowly making it's acquaintence again with my body and I just can't have it. No way, Jose.
So in celebration of my new car, I will push myself harder to lose more weight and get into even better shape! I need to stop using work and school as excuses and get back into making my heart beat rapidly and sweat pour off my face! I'm looking forward to those adrenaline rushes!
Random side note:
Monday, September 26, 2011
Thursday, September 22, 2011
New(to me) Car!
I'm thinking of naming her "Lola". She's a 2001 Kia Rio. She's in great shape, I look forward to cruising around in her! I pick her up on Saturday.
I'm a little terrified because this is my second car purchase (the first was from my brother, so I knew what I was getting into). I have to start my own car insurance and put the title and registration in my name. I feel so adult! It's a scary feeling, though... those of you who know me know I dread most changes. I kinda like to plug along at the same pace until something comes along that forceable shoves me off the path.
So we'll see how this goes, wish me luck! :P
Monday, September 19, 2011
Steve-O's show was a great time!
Anyway, back to the bump and grind of the week... ugh. A little reprieve, though... my first class was cancelled so I only have French class, in which we have our first interro (quiz) and hopefully he's going to be awesome and let us out early as soon as the quiz is over. A lot of profs do that, I'm hoping he is the same! Wish me luck!
Friday, September 16, 2011
Mostly a Great Day
So I'm going to focus and report on the positive aspects of my day! Why? Because every once in a while it's nice to reflect on simple events that made the day a little brighter and more tolerable between racing back and forth between school and work.
Smile Moment Number One: The professor in my Writing in the Arts and Sciences class used my paper to illustrate to another student in the class what her writing should be like. It felt quite excellent to be singled out of the class and have my paper used as an example of what great writing looks like. I'm no Ernest Hemingway, by any stretch of the imagination, but English teachers always seem to be impressed with my writing skills, especially when we have to write something in class and off the cuff. I am much like a puppy and praise like that, especially from someone I respect and whose opinions I value, such as my professors, makes me want to wiggle my "tail" for the whole rest of the day. It's something so simple, but being recognized for a craft that not everyone posesses makes me feel very good about myself!
Smile Moment Number Two: My boss's boss was in the office today with a trainer from up north and she was expressing how I would make a great trainer and how I was interested in becoming a trainer for my company. It made me feel good that she thinks highly enough of me to recommend me as a trainer to the head trainer for our area. Also, she pointed out that she wanted me to participate in a new outreach program where employees input their opinions on company policies and ideas are discussed with upper management about changes that are needed to be made. She said she immediately thought of me as the program was being developed and she wants me to participate. That made me feel awesome as well!
Smile Moment Number Three: A woman that I work with (and unfortunately I don't know her name, I've only greeted her in passing) complimented me on my weight loss. She said that I'm looking great lately and she expressed that it was really obvious in my face that I've lost some weight. I told her that I've lost 44 pounds since April and she congratulated me and said that I looked great! Now if that wasn't a big smile moment, I don't know what is!
Smile Moment Number Four: A friend of mine that I unfortunately haven't talked to in a long while texted me to tell me that Steve-O from Jackass fame was in town on a stand-up comedy tour and she was going. I asked to tag along and she said that of course I could tag along! This is awesome because I would love to see Steve-O (the group of friends I hung out with in high school are huge Jackass fans, and so am I. I love me some Johnny Knoxville... ohhhhhh yes) and it will be great to hang out with my friend Hizz-O! So my weekend isn't going to consist of just me doing homework and house chores after all!
So my day was fairly amazing save for the annoying commute to work (since they shut down one of the bridges spanning the Ohio River between Indiana and Louisville, Kentucky, crossing the river has become an absolute nightmare!) where I had to sit in traffic for about 45 minutes and a spat I had with Jon and thus not getting to talk to him today (I haven't heard his voice since Sunday and I'm starting to lose my mind). But I will focus on all the Smile Moments I managed to have today and try not to dwell too much on the negatives.
Smile Moment Number One: The professor in my Writing in the Arts and Sciences class used my paper to illustrate to another student in the class what her writing should be like. It felt quite excellent to be singled out of the class and have my paper used as an example of what great writing looks like. I'm no Ernest Hemingway, by any stretch of the imagination, but English teachers always seem to be impressed with my writing skills, especially when we have to write something in class and off the cuff. I am much like a puppy and praise like that, especially from someone I respect and whose opinions I value, such as my professors, makes me want to wiggle my "tail" for the whole rest of the day. It's something so simple, but being recognized for a craft that not everyone posesses makes me feel very good about myself!
Smile Moment Number Two: My boss's boss was in the office today with a trainer from up north and she was expressing how I would make a great trainer and how I was interested in becoming a trainer for my company. It made me feel good that she thinks highly enough of me to recommend me as a trainer to the head trainer for our area. Also, she pointed out that she wanted me to participate in a new outreach program where employees input their opinions on company policies and ideas are discussed with upper management about changes that are needed to be made. She said she immediately thought of me as the program was being developed and she wants me to participate. That made me feel awesome as well!
Smile Moment Number Three: A woman that I work with (and unfortunately I don't know her name, I've only greeted her in passing) complimented me on my weight loss. She said that I'm looking great lately and she expressed that it was really obvious in my face that I've lost some weight. I told her that I've lost 44 pounds since April and she congratulated me and said that I looked great! Now if that wasn't a big smile moment, I don't know what is!
Smile Moment Number Four: A friend of mine that I unfortunately haven't talked to in a long while texted me to tell me that Steve-O from Jackass fame was in town on a stand-up comedy tour and she was going. I asked to tag along and she said that of course I could tag along! This is awesome because I would love to see Steve-O (the group of friends I hung out with in high school are huge Jackass fans, and so am I. I love me some Johnny Knoxville... ohhhhhh yes) and it will be great to hang out with my friend Hizz-O! So my weekend isn't going to consist of just me doing homework and house chores after all!
So my day was fairly amazing save for the annoying commute to work (since they shut down one of the bridges spanning the Ohio River between Indiana and Louisville, Kentucky, crossing the river has become an absolute nightmare!) where I had to sit in traffic for about 45 minutes and a spat I had with Jon and thus not getting to talk to him today (I haven't heard his voice since Sunday and I'm starting to lose my mind). But I will focus on all the Smile Moments I managed to have today and try not to dwell too much on the negatives.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Halloween, Parties, Birthdays, Oh My!
I'm lining up quite a few fun excursions in the coming months, and I'm getting very excited about them. I haven't been able to spend a lot of time with family and friends, not nearly as much time as I would like, and it will be fun to reconnect with people I really care about, and have a ton of fun at the very same time!
Either this or next weekend, I'm going to see Dracula with my Mom at Actor's Theatre. I invited a few of my friends to come along, and I'm hoping they do because the play is so fun and it's a great way to get into the Halloween season! The tickets are a little pricey, but hopefully that won't scare everyone away from attending. I just have to figure out how to get all of the tickets in the same row so we can all sit together. Maybe I will plan it for the next weekend and this weekend just gather money from people who want to go so I can buy everyone's tickets at once...
Secondly, the Haunted Woods are coming up. I used to help my parents out with their station at this outdoor fright fest, but the past few years I've opted out. It's a fun time, mostly, but it tends to turn pretty stressful because workers that come aren't always that reliable and since I'm the best screamer every year, guess what I'm stuck doing all night long? Screaming my freaking head off, which may not sound that terrible, but try screaming bloody murder for four or five hours straight. It's not that fun. And people that you're trying to scare, who are paying to be scared, can be downright rude and complete assholes sometimes! I've been called so many terrible things by people going through the Haunted Woods and I've had threats and I've had people in our station getting hit and on and on. So it's not always as fun as it used to be when the experience was new and fresh. Now I'm a veteran and I've seen more bad than good and I'm not as into it anymore. But I know my mom really needs the help and I know my friends have enjoyed helping out, so I think I'm going to hop back in there this year and at least help out on the Saturday nights and hopefully some of my friends can hop in there and help out, too. I know they have enjoyed it in the past, and I have too, and maybe we can work to bring back the fun spirit that the Haunted Woods always used to be about.
Halloween will be next and I'm already planning my costume. My mom apparently found a nice-looking braided blonde wig and I've decided to turn it into a Rapunzel costume. I figure I'll use this long flowy purple dress I have with long sleeves, put a purple corset over it and a few skirts beneath it to make the dress puffier, also add puffs to the sleeves, and I'll have a Rapunzel-esque outfit. Then I could add colorful flowers to the wig ala Rapunzel in Tangled when the girls braid her hair with flowers, and a little Pascal to sit on my shoulder, and I'm good! I could carry a frying pan, and voila! I'm Rapunzel from Tangled! I'm excited to do a princess costume because I've never done anything really girly or pretty for Halloween. I'm always something gory or scary or gothic like a dead person or a devil. I've never gone the pretty route! But even Jon thinks I should go for the pretty costume this year, so I'm going to go Disney princess for the first time ever! I'm really excited, I think it will turn out great!
After that, I'm planning my birthday celebrations. I'll be turning 23 on February 7th and I would like to have a nice night out with some close friends. I'm thinking about getting a little group together and either going to Hard Rock Cafe for dinner and then going to see "In The Next Room" at Actor's Theatre afterwards, or just having a pitch-in style potluck dinner at my place and then go see the show and hang out at Fourth Street Live after the show... I just can't decide. I feel bad asking my friends to do expensive things like go see a show at Actors AND go to Hard Rock AND go to Fourth Street Live, so I need to eliminate a few of those options just to save people money! So I think the dinner/cake/all that good stuff could be at my house prior to the show at Actors and then after the show, if anyone wants to, we could walk to Fourth Street Live and have a few drinks. I think that will be my solution. It will be fun to host a little dinner party at my place, all I would have to do is find seating arrangements for everyone...
But anyway, I'm trying to plan everything out, and I will admit... it's a little tough getting feedback from everyone without having made an "Event" page on Facebook... but I'm determined not to go back to Facebook because it genuinely scares me now. If I could utilize the Event page without utilizing the rest of Facebook, I would, because that would be perfect.
I'm excited about all these things coming up, I think they will be so much fun!
What are you going to be for Halloween? Do you have any spooky Halloween plans?
Either this or next weekend, I'm going to see Dracula with my Mom at Actor's Theatre. I invited a few of my friends to come along, and I'm hoping they do because the play is so fun and it's a great way to get into the Halloween season! The tickets are a little pricey, but hopefully that won't scare everyone away from attending. I just have to figure out how to get all of the tickets in the same row so we can all sit together. Maybe I will plan it for the next weekend and this weekend just gather money from people who want to go so I can buy everyone's tickets at once...
Secondly, the Haunted Woods are coming up. I used to help my parents out with their station at this outdoor fright fest, but the past few years I've opted out. It's a fun time, mostly, but it tends to turn pretty stressful because workers that come aren't always that reliable and since I'm the best screamer every year, guess what I'm stuck doing all night long? Screaming my freaking head off, which may not sound that terrible, but try screaming bloody murder for four or five hours straight. It's not that fun. And people that you're trying to scare, who are paying to be scared, can be downright rude and complete assholes sometimes! I've been called so many terrible things by people going through the Haunted Woods and I've had threats and I've had people in our station getting hit and on and on. So it's not always as fun as it used to be when the experience was new and fresh. Now I'm a veteran and I've seen more bad than good and I'm not as into it anymore. But I know my mom really needs the help and I know my friends have enjoyed helping out, so I think I'm going to hop back in there this year and at least help out on the Saturday nights and hopefully some of my friends can hop in there and help out, too. I know they have enjoyed it in the past, and I have too, and maybe we can work to bring back the fun spirit that the Haunted Woods always used to be about.
Halloween will be next and I'm already planning my costume. My mom apparently found a nice-looking braided blonde wig and I've decided to turn it into a Rapunzel costume. I figure I'll use this long flowy purple dress I have with long sleeves, put a purple corset over it and a few skirts beneath it to make the dress puffier, also add puffs to the sleeves, and I'll have a Rapunzel-esque outfit. Then I could add colorful flowers to the wig ala Rapunzel in Tangled when the girls braid her hair with flowers, and a little Pascal to sit on my shoulder, and I'm good! I could carry a frying pan, and voila! I'm Rapunzel from Tangled! I'm excited to do a princess costume because I've never done anything really girly or pretty for Halloween. I'm always something gory or scary or gothic like a dead person or a devil. I've never gone the pretty route! But even Jon thinks I should go for the pretty costume this year, so I'm going to go Disney princess for the first time ever! I'm really excited, I think it will turn out great!
After that, I'm planning my birthday celebrations. I'll be turning 23 on February 7th and I would like to have a nice night out with some close friends. I'm thinking about getting a little group together and either going to Hard Rock Cafe for dinner and then going to see "In The Next Room" at Actor's Theatre afterwards, or just having a pitch-in style potluck dinner at my place and then go see the show and hang out at Fourth Street Live after the show... I just can't decide. I feel bad asking my friends to do expensive things like go see a show at Actors AND go to Hard Rock AND go to Fourth Street Live, so I need to eliminate a few of those options just to save people money! So I think the dinner/cake/all that good stuff could be at my house prior to the show at Actors and then after the show, if anyone wants to, we could walk to Fourth Street Live and have a few drinks. I think that will be my solution. It will be fun to host a little dinner party at my place, all I would have to do is find seating arrangements for everyone...
But anyway, I'm trying to plan everything out, and I will admit... it's a little tough getting feedback from everyone without having made an "Event" page on Facebook... but I'm determined not to go back to Facebook because it genuinely scares me now. If I could utilize the Event page without utilizing the rest of Facebook, I would, because that would be perfect.
I'm excited about all these things coming up, I think they will be so much fun!
What are you going to be for Halloween? Do you have any spooky Halloween plans?
Monday, September 12, 2011
Having a Panic Attack
I just signed into Facebook. After a few weeks of my Facebook account being deactivated, I signed in with the sole intention of trying to plan my birthday celebrations for next year.
I also need to rally some troops to work in the Haunted Woods this year. And I wanted to round some people up to go see Dracula with me either this or next weekend.
All of this seemed like it would be easier through Facebook...
But after signing in, I was just overwhelmed with this sense of panic. I could feel how easily it would twist painfully back into the threads of my life and take over... I felt it's power. I know that sounds melodramatic and ridiculous, but I'm being totally serious. I felt the resentment of seeing everyone posting smiling pictures with their friends and all these statuses about happy excursions they've been on and how wonderful their life is going and I felt my heart immediately harden with jealousy and resentment. My fingers itched to start bragging about all the good things that have been happening to me recently, wondering what angle I can tell the tales from to make them sound morei mpressive and interesting so people would "like" it and thus "like" me...
I felt that astounding pressure to compare and compete with my "friends" that aren't real friends, just Facebook friends, which are not the same thing at all...
It honestly scared me...
I'm never going back to Facebook. I just can't. It depressed me, and made me feel inferior to my friends and instead of feeling happy for their accomplishments, I always resented that they have so many close friends to hang out with and cool places to go and awesome things to do. I never seem to have those things and I hate feeling jealousy and resentment toward my friends. Yes, one can sometimes be jealous of a friend, but not this kind of jealousy. Not a jealousy that immediately makes me want to one-up someone who I consider a good friend!
That's all Facebook is, you drones! It's a chance to watch people from afar, judge them, and attempt to one-up them. It may be subtle, you may not even realize it, but it's all right there in front of you, with every status you post. Sure, people use the excuse that it's the best and easiest way to keep in touch with friends who live far away, but guess what... Facebook is NOT interpersonal communication. It isn't even personal communication. It simply isn't. It reduces you to so many characters, it reduces you to drop-box menu options. That can't explain a human, it can't define or represent a life or personality. And yet millions of people, intelligent people, are sucked in to believing it does.
I was on Facebook for barely five minutes and all of this raced through my brain. Facebook scares me now. I'm glad I have managed to wrench myself out of it's clutches. Take back humanity. Take back personality. Take back LIFE. Don't let Zuckerburg and other computer programmers tell you what it is to be human by giving you specific ways to express yourself. Be yourself, don't forget who that is.
When you're ready to really communicate, human to human, body to body, mind to mind, heart to heart, soul to soul... call me. I'd love to speak to you and experience you. I don't want to see what your day's accomplishments added up to in status updates... I want to see the gleam in your eyes when you smile and tell me about a joke that made you laugh. I want to hear the rise in your voice as you passionately tell a story that made you feel something, I want to feel your fingertips grip my arm at the exciting bits....
I can't experience that through Facebook, there's no code for the programmers to insert into the layout that will make you come to life on that screen for me. I'm living now. You should be, too.
If this intrigues you in any way, I HIGHLY recommend the book "You Are Not a Gadget". It's amazingly insightful and sheds true light on our ever devolving culture.
I also need to rally some troops to work in the Haunted Woods this year. And I wanted to round some people up to go see Dracula with me either this or next weekend.
All of this seemed like it would be easier through Facebook...
But after signing in, I was just overwhelmed with this sense of panic. I could feel how easily it would twist painfully back into the threads of my life and take over... I felt it's power. I know that sounds melodramatic and ridiculous, but I'm being totally serious. I felt the resentment of seeing everyone posting smiling pictures with their friends and all these statuses about happy excursions they've been on and how wonderful their life is going and I felt my heart immediately harden with jealousy and resentment. My fingers itched to start bragging about all the good things that have been happening to me recently, wondering what angle I can tell the tales from to make them sound morei mpressive and interesting so people would "like" it and thus "like" me...
I felt that astounding pressure to compare and compete with my "friends" that aren't real friends, just Facebook friends, which are not the same thing at all...
It honestly scared me...
I'm never going back to Facebook. I just can't. It depressed me, and made me feel inferior to my friends and instead of feeling happy for their accomplishments, I always resented that they have so many close friends to hang out with and cool places to go and awesome things to do. I never seem to have those things and I hate feeling jealousy and resentment toward my friends. Yes, one can sometimes be jealous of a friend, but not this kind of jealousy. Not a jealousy that immediately makes me want to one-up someone who I consider a good friend!
That's all Facebook is, you drones! It's a chance to watch people from afar, judge them, and attempt to one-up them. It may be subtle, you may not even realize it, but it's all right there in front of you, with every status you post. Sure, people use the excuse that it's the best and easiest way to keep in touch with friends who live far away, but guess what... Facebook is NOT interpersonal communication. It isn't even personal communication. It simply isn't. It reduces you to so many characters, it reduces you to drop-box menu options. That can't explain a human, it can't define or represent a life or personality. And yet millions of people, intelligent people, are sucked in to believing it does.
I was on Facebook for barely five minutes and all of this raced through my brain. Facebook scares me now. I'm glad I have managed to wrench myself out of it's clutches. Take back humanity. Take back personality. Take back LIFE. Don't let Zuckerburg and other computer programmers tell you what it is to be human by giving you specific ways to express yourself. Be yourself, don't forget who that is.
When you're ready to really communicate, human to human, body to body, mind to mind, heart to heart, soul to soul... call me. I'd love to speak to you and experience you. I don't want to see what your day's accomplishments added up to in status updates... I want to see the gleam in your eyes when you smile and tell me about a joke that made you laugh. I want to hear the rise in your voice as you passionately tell a story that made you feel something, I want to feel your fingertips grip my arm at the exciting bits....
I can't experience that through Facebook, there's no code for the programmers to insert into the layout that will make you come to life on that screen for me. I'm living now. You should be, too.
If this intrigues you in any way, I HIGHLY recommend the book "You Are Not a Gadget". It's amazingly insightful and sheds true light on our ever devolving culture.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Fantastic (and yet) Frustrating
What's completely fantastic and can have you floating on a cloud in exuberant glee and yet at the same time be so super frustrating you want to scream?
Someone noticing you've lost weight and complimenting you on it. That's the fantastic exuberant part, obviously. Three different people have vocalized that they can tell I've lost weight and that I look good. A woman I work with, my uncle, and my mom.
Now my uncle hasn't really seen me since Christmas, and we all hung out last weekend at the lake for an impromptu "Labor Day" cook-out. He asked if I've lost weight, because I look so much smaller. Then my grandmother chimed in to say I was looking really great! They also heavily complimented the dress I was wearing and it made me feel really good about myself!
Then at work yesterday, a co-worker asked me if I've been working out and I said that not so much recently (which is true) but that I had been working out twice a day every day for about four months straight. She replied saying that I looked so much smaller and I told her how much I've lost and she was very supportive and excited that I had managed to lose so much. So that, of course, made me feel awesome!
Then today Mom randomly asked me how much weight I've lost so far, and I told her, and she said that was great and that I'm doing it on a decent timeline and that it will be easier to keep off since I'm losing weight the sensible way as opposed to losing all of it at once, in an unhealthy (and not permanent) manner. That also made me feel excellent!
So all this sounds positive and amazing, right? Where does the frustration come in, eh?
Well, I'll enlighten you. The frustration comes from the fact that the last time I stepped on a scale, I weighed two pounds more than the last time I had stepped on a scale. Now I know a pound or two can fluctuate between morning, afternoon, and night, so it's nothing to panic about, but I also know that I have only managed to fit in workouts about two or three times a week. I also know that I haven't had time (quite literally, no lazy excuses, I literally have not had time) to go grocery shopping this week so I've been relying on fast food for all my meals.
So, it frustrates me that only now people are noticing my weight loss (although Mom has noticed and complimented me on it since the first month or so since I started) and I feel like I'm losing momentum. With starting school, all my energy seems to be used in getting from school to work and then home to sleep and then around the carousel again the next day. I never feel energized enough to work out like I know I should. Most of that is also due to not eating good food all week, I know, but a lot of it has to do with the exhaustion from constantly running here, there, and everywhere.
I just find it frustrating that people are noticing my weight loss at the very point where I fear I could be slipping back into weight GAIN and having trouble maintaining the rate of weight loss I have managed to maintain thus far... :(
HOWEVER...
there is a bright side to most every situation, right? Perhaps the compliments are coming at the exact right time, after all... Maybe my cries for extra motivation and a kick in the pants, so to speak, are being answered by the cosmos... Maybe some cosmic law is in play and won't let me slip down that slippery slope into gaining weight... Maybe these late, but well-meant and uplifting, words of praise are meant to boost me back up when I feel I'm falling down.
That's how I should look at it. Not be frustrated that I haven't been working out everyday and people are complimenting me on my weight loss. I need to get back in the gym, get back on my afternoon/evening jogs, get back into my exercising and healthy eating habits so I can garnish more compliments in the future when I'm finally at my target weight (and jeans size).
THIS IS MOTIVATION TO KEEP ON GOING AND NOT GIVE UP!
I got this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am going to do it, I am going to move onward and upward, world!!! Watch out, because here I come!
Someone noticing you've lost weight and complimenting you on it. That's the fantastic exuberant part, obviously. Three different people have vocalized that they can tell I've lost weight and that I look good. A woman I work with, my uncle, and my mom.
Now my uncle hasn't really seen me since Christmas, and we all hung out last weekend at the lake for an impromptu "Labor Day" cook-out. He asked if I've lost weight, because I look so much smaller. Then my grandmother chimed in to say I was looking really great! They also heavily complimented the dress I was wearing and it made me feel really good about myself!
Then at work yesterday, a co-worker asked me if I've been working out and I said that not so much recently (which is true) but that I had been working out twice a day every day for about four months straight. She replied saying that I looked so much smaller and I told her how much I've lost and she was very supportive and excited that I had managed to lose so much. So that, of course, made me feel awesome!
Then today Mom randomly asked me how much weight I've lost so far, and I told her, and she said that was great and that I'm doing it on a decent timeline and that it will be easier to keep off since I'm losing weight the sensible way as opposed to losing all of it at once, in an unhealthy (and not permanent) manner. That also made me feel excellent!
So all this sounds positive and amazing, right? Where does the frustration come in, eh?
Well, I'll enlighten you. The frustration comes from the fact that the last time I stepped on a scale, I weighed two pounds more than the last time I had stepped on a scale. Now I know a pound or two can fluctuate between morning, afternoon, and night, so it's nothing to panic about, but I also know that I have only managed to fit in workouts about two or three times a week. I also know that I haven't had time (quite literally, no lazy excuses, I literally have not had time) to go grocery shopping this week so I've been relying on fast food for all my meals.
So, it frustrates me that only now people are noticing my weight loss (although Mom has noticed and complimented me on it since the first month or so since I started) and I feel like I'm losing momentum. With starting school, all my energy seems to be used in getting from school to work and then home to sleep and then around the carousel again the next day. I never feel energized enough to work out like I know I should. Most of that is also due to not eating good food all week, I know, but a lot of it has to do with the exhaustion from constantly running here, there, and everywhere.
I just find it frustrating that people are noticing my weight loss at the very point where I fear I could be slipping back into weight GAIN and having trouble maintaining the rate of weight loss I have managed to maintain thus far... :(
HOWEVER...
there is a bright side to most every situation, right? Perhaps the compliments are coming at the exact right time, after all... Maybe my cries for extra motivation and a kick in the pants, so to speak, are being answered by the cosmos... Maybe some cosmic law is in play and won't let me slip down that slippery slope into gaining weight... Maybe these late, but well-meant and uplifting, words of praise are meant to boost me back up when I feel I'm falling down.
That's how I should look at it. Not be frustrated that I haven't been working out everyday and people are complimenting me on my weight loss. I need to get back in the gym, get back on my afternoon/evening jogs, get back into my exercising and healthy eating habits so I can garnish more compliments in the future when I'm finally at my target weight (and jeans size).
THIS IS MOTIVATION TO KEEP ON GOING AND NOT GIVE UP!
I got this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am going to do it, I am going to move onward and upward, world!!! Watch out, because here I come!
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Wonderings and Self Deprivation
Here I go again getting in the way of my own happiness...
Sometimes I fearfully wonder how much the distance between us plays an active role in our attraction and yearning for the other... if we had met, say, in a club or on the street, would we feel the same about each other as we do now? In person, would our conversations have gone so deep, our sharing have been so personal and profound, our emotions so stretched and emaciated? I really do wonder if the mystery of him is enough of an alluring aspect of him to be the only alluring aspect of him...
This is one of my biggest fears... the other being that in person, my ugliness won't outweigh (pun intended) the positive parts of my personality that he's supposedly been able to explore more deeply considering all we have is conversation to connect with. We can't touch, we can't taste, we can't smell... we can only hear, and to a point we can see each other via webcam. Is that enough to really know someone? Is that enough to fall in love with someone?
I've been second-guessing myself lately. Really, there's nothing wrong with taking a step back and evaluating your emotions and feelings and figuring out just where, when, and why they came from... but I'm also afraid I'm only trying to talk myself out of something. I'm really good at side-stepping potentially hurtful or dangerous situations that could damage my heart or my head. I just close down and back away.
I don't want to do that, and I don't think he would let me, if I'm honest. Thinking of waking up one morning without his presence in my life is actually a very scary thought. I've never felt that way, truly, about anyone besides family before. I've been depressed thinking about that looming terror of death in the family and it's been scary and heartbreaking imagining what that could be like, but to feel that way about a physical stranger from another country? Someone I've never touched, I've only talked to and seen on a camera?
Am I crazy? Am I nuts? Is this stupid of me to feel this way? Why am I so compelled to believe in this man, to trust him, to share everything I am with him? Why am I so willing to open myself up and let him have me, flaws and all? It's been six months since our first-ever conversation (which was over Skype and lasted over 11 hours, by the way) and he's managed to become such a natural and integral part of my life, I just don't know what I would do without him.
And unlike with most people in my life, I am confident in saying that he feels the same way about me. I know that he cares for me, and has feelings for me. I've never felt confident or comfortable even daydreaming that anyone felt that way about me or ever could. But he does, and it's such a soothing and wonderful notion.
But even that doesn't erase the miles of dramatic ocean stretching between our two great countries. If plane tickets weren't so expensive, and vacation time from work not so scarce, I would have already been to England again by now. I miss the country so much, it's like a home-sickness for a place I've only visited once in my life. And now he's there, and that makes it so much more like a home I need to return to.
But even with those certainties, my stupid brain sometimes slips into doubts and fears. Is this all in my head? I joke with him that even he is a figment of my imagination and that he doesn't really exist. Wouldn't that be a plot twist to end all plot twists?
Besides his realness, I doubt sometimes how well we'll click in person. I know that shifting from online personas to the real-life thing can be tricky and oftentimes, disappointing. I don't want that to happen. I've given six months of my young life already to only this man. I deleted all my dating site profiles, I ignore any advances I may receive (granted... there are none, but I swear if there were, I would turn them down!), and I've settled in for the long-haul.
Is this ridiculous? I just don't know. But for now, it's working. The only thing straining the relationship is my lack of free time now that school has started (we've been reduced to texting back and forth, and only being able to talk on Skype 2-3 times a week for a measly hour or so at a time. That's a BIG difference from 2-4 hours everyday!) and the impatience of wanting to meet and not being able to because now is not the best time for either of us (money being both of our main issues at the moment).
If we can hang on and keep going strong, I think this could really work. I can't explain why I feel this is so right, but I do... so onward and upward! I can't let the creeping uncertainties keep me from enjoying myself and him to the fullest extent our circumstances will allow!!!
Sometimes I fearfully wonder how much the distance between us plays an active role in our attraction and yearning for the other... if we had met, say, in a club or on the street, would we feel the same about each other as we do now? In person, would our conversations have gone so deep, our sharing have been so personal and profound, our emotions so stretched and emaciated? I really do wonder if the mystery of him is enough of an alluring aspect of him to be the only alluring aspect of him...
This is one of my biggest fears... the other being that in person, my ugliness won't outweigh (pun intended) the positive parts of my personality that he's supposedly been able to explore more deeply considering all we have is conversation to connect with. We can't touch, we can't taste, we can't smell... we can only hear, and to a point we can see each other via webcam. Is that enough to really know someone? Is that enough to fall in love with someone?
I've been second-guessing myself lately. Really, there's nothing wrong with taking a step back and evaluating your emotions and feelings and figuring out just where, when, and why they came from... but I'm also afraid I'm only trying to talk myself out of something. I'm really good at side-stepping potentially hurtful or dangerous situations that could damage my heart or my head. I just close down and back away.
I don't want to do that, and I don't think he would let me, if I'm honest. Thinking of waking up one morning without his presence in my life is actually a very scary thought. I've never felt that way, truly, about anyone besides family before. I've been depressed thinking about that looming terror of death in the family and it's been scary and heartbreaking imagining what that could be like, but to feel that way about a physical stranger from another country? Someone I've never touched, I've only talked to and seen on a camera?
Am I crazy? Am I nuts? Is this stupid of me to feel this way? Why am I so compelled to believe in this man, to trust him, to share everything I am with him? Why am I so willing to open myself up and let him have me, flaws and all? It's been six months since our first-ever conversation (which was over Skype and lasted over 11 hours, by the way) and he's managed to become such a natural and integral part of my life, I just don't know what I would do without him.
And unlike with most people in my life, I am confident in saying that he feels the same way about me. I know that he cares for me, and has feelings for me. I've never felt confident or comfortable even daydreaming that anyone felt that way about me or ever could. But he does, and it's such a soothing and wonderful notion.
But even that doesn't erase the miles of dramatic ocean stretching between our two great countries. If plane tickets weren't so expensive, and vacation time from work not so scarce, I would have already been to England again by now. I miss the country so much, it's like a home-sickness for a place I've only visited once in my life. And now he's there, and that makes it so much more like a home I need to return to.
But even with those certainties, my stupid brain sometimes slips into doubts and fears. Is this all in my head? I joke with him that even he is a figment of my imagination and that he doesn't really exist. Wouldn't that be a plot twist to end all plot twists?
Besides his realness, I doubt sometimes how well we'll click in person. I know that shifting from online personas to the real-life thing can be tricky and oftentimes, disappointing. I don't want that to happen. I've given six months of my young life already to only this man. I deleted all my dating site profiles, I ignore any advances I may receive (granted... there are none, but I swear if there were, I would turn them down!), and I've settled in for the long-haul.
Is this ridiculous? I just don't know. But for now, it's working. The only thing straining the relationship is my lack of free time now that school has started (we've been reduced to texting back and forth, and only being able to talk on Skype 2-3 times a week for a measly hour or so at a time. That's a BIG difference from 2-4 hours everyday!) and the impatience of wanting to meet and not being able to because now is not the best time for either of us (money being both of our main issues at the moment).
If we can hang on and keep going strong, I think this could really work. I can't explain why I feel this is so right, but I do... so onward and upward! I can't let the creeping uncertainties keep me from enjoying myself and him to the fullest extent our circumstances will allow!!!
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Dear Next Forty Pounds Lost,
I really don't like you right now. You are blobbing between me and a better version of me that I am striving to become. Getting rid of you will not be easy, but you know what? It's happening, my globby friend. You aren't staying around for much longer. I will use you as fuel for my harder workouts. I will use you as motivation to change my body and myself for the better. I will look back on you and smile, not because you have been a positive force in my life, oh no, but because I will know how you once held me down but then I became strong enough to push you out of my life for good.
And that's exactly what will happen, Next Forty Pounds Lost, you will be gone, for good, forever, for always. I hope you enjoyed your stay! You made me quite miserable, but I hope you enjoyed clinging to my bones all this time. I hope you enjoyed making my heart work harder and my body less stable and more weak. I hope you enjoyed making me dread clothes' shopping and sitting in school desks. I hope you enjoyed humiliating me and making me feel like less of a human. I hope you enjoyed all that because this is the end.
This is where we say our goodbyes and never see each other again. You will join the Last Forty Pounds I Lost in being expunged from my life forever. I hope the eighty of you get along well, because you're never invited back onto my body!
With much resentment,
Happy, Healthy Gina
And that's exactly what will happen, Next Forty Pounds Lost, you will be gone, for good, forever, for always. I hope you enjoyed your stay! You made me quite miserable, but I hope you enjoyed clinging to my bones all this time. I hope you enjoyed making my heart work harder and my body less stable and more weak. I hope you enjoyed making me dread clothes' shopping and sitting in school desks. I hope you enjoyed humiliating me and making me feel like less of a human. I hope you enjoyed all that because this is the end.
This is where we say our goodbyes and never see each other again. You will join the Last Forty Pounds I Lost in being expunged from my life forever. I hope the eighty of you get along well, because you're never invited back onto my body!
With much resentment,
Happy, Healthy Gina
Confessions and Fears
Is forty pounds lost going to be the place I lose momentum and start sliding back down the slope to miserably gaining weight and hating my body and myself? It happened the last time I made a big push to lose weight. I lost forty pounds, and before I knew it, months had gone past without a single minute of exercise being instigated and the forty pounds found it's way back onto my body and then some...
I've worked so hard to gain that ground back for myself, am I really weak enough to let it take me under again? Am I really weak enough to give up all my hard work and go back to eating Taco Bell everyday and sitting around doing nothing in my free time as opposed to exercising, planning healthy meals to eat, and working on making myself a healthier and happier person?
The simple answer is: I can't. I can't go back to how I was. I can't go back to avoiding mirrors and cute clothes and cameras and friends and family and being happy! I am getting used to those things now and turning away from them just seems like emotional suicide... To throw away all I've worked for seems the utmost crime against myself I could ever commit! I simply can't do it. There is no turning back. Going back to that dark and lonely place... that would be giving up on myself, everyone who cares about me, and my life. I might as well go to sleep and not wake up, as melodramatic as that sounds, if I allow myself to be that weak.
I made a promise that I was going to lose this weight. I have no one to blame but myself for gaining it, and no one but me is going to make it go away. This is a no-failure, success-only, self-motivated plan of attack. There's no backing down, there's no giving up, there's no weakness. This isn't the end of my journey, just a long stay at the rest stop. I've caught my breath, I've enjoyed the scenery, now it's time to pack myself up and strike out on the next phase of my journey: the next forty pounds lost.
I've worked so hard to gain that ground back for myself, am I really weak enough to let it take me under again? Am I really weak enough to give up all my hard work and go back to eating Taco Bell everyday and sitting around doing nothing in my free time as opposed to exercising, planning healthy meals to eat, and working on making myself a healthier and happier person?
The simple answer is: I can't. I can't go back to how I was. I can't go back to avoiding mirrors and cute clothes and cameras and friends and family and being happy! I am getting used to those things now and turning away from them just seems like emotional suicide... To throw away all I've worked for seems the utmost crime against myself I could ever commit! I simply can't do it. There is no turning back. Going back to that dark and lonely place... that would be giving up on myself, everyone who cares about me, and my life. I might as well go to sleep and not wake up, as melodramatic as that sounds, if I allow myself to be that weak.
I made a promise that I was going to lose this weight. I have no one to blame but myself for gaining it, and no one but me is going to make it go away. This is a no-failure, success-only, self-motivated plan of attack. There's no backing down, there's no giving up, there's no weakness. This isn't the end of my journey, just a long stay at the rest stop. I've caught my breath, I've enjoyed the scenery, now it's time to pack myself up and strike out on the next phase of my journey: the next forty pounds lost.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Random
I just figured out that I had this blog set up to only accept comments from registered users... I know a few of you gentle readers don't have blogger ID's, so I changed it to allow comments from anyone and everyone. So feel free to comment away! I just have to approve them first, so they may not appear immediately, but I will get them and approve them! :)
This Weekend
I'm looking forward to this weekend. Not only is it a three-day weekend and today was payday, but World Fest is going on in downtown Louisville! It's a FREE festival (which means there's no admission charge... it's FREE. GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASS AND GO, FOOL!) and I love all the dance and culture demonstrations and eating delicious food from all corners of the globe and seeing all the arts and crafts from anywhere and everywhere.
Mom and I are planning on parking on the Indiana side of the river and walking over the bridge to the Belvedere to enjoy the festival. My only holdup is that this entire weekend is supposed to have upper nineties and even triple digit degrees outside, so it will be pretty hot and miserable weather-wise... We plan on cooling down on the lake in our kayaks later in the evening, though, so it shouldn't be too unbearable.
After World Fest and kayaking, I'm looking forward to just having some time to prop my feet up and relax. I won't be on a hectic schedule trying to get here, there, and everywhere. No time constraints, just me and my day stretching out ahead of me, empty and lovely. I have some trivial homework assignments to complete. but nothing stressful or incredibly time-consuming, so this weekend is going to be pretty laid-back, carefree, and chill... just how I like them! I'll even have time to watch some old X-Files episodes and random documentaries with my man and possibly even go see a movie!
It's insane how much I think of doing when just the idea of free time is sent my way. I've been daydreaming of playing Rock Band, going running, playing Sims 3, making new Youtube videos, catching up on leisure reading, watching Wall-E, watching Mermaids (I don't know why those two movies are calling my name lately), catching up on TV, hanging out with friends and family I haven't seen, and more and more and more...
Uh oh. Will I make my weeked just as hectic as my weekdays? I HOPE NOT.
Note to self: RELAX AND ENJOY THIS THREE-DAY WEEKEND. DON'T STRESS YOURSELF OUT TRYING TO FIT IN TOO MANY ACTIVITIES!!!!
Mom and I are planning on parking on the Indiana side of the river and walking over the bridge to the Belvedere to enjoy the festival. My only holdup is that this entire weekend is supposed to have upper nineties and even triple digit degrees outside, so it will be pretty hot and miserable weather-wise... We plan on cooling down on the lake in our kayaks later in the evening, though, so it shouldn't be too unbearable.
After World Fest and kayaking, I'm looking forward to just having some time to prop my feet up and relax. I won't be on a hectic schedule trying to get here, there, and everywhere. No time constraints, just me and my day stretching out ahead of me, empty and lovely. I have some trivial homework assignments to complete. but nothing stressful or incredibly time-consuming, so this weekend is going to be pretty laid-back, carefree, and chill... just how I like them! I'll even have time to watch some old X-Files episodes and random documentaries with my man and possibly even go see a movie!
It's insane how much I think of doing when just the idea of free time is sent my way. I've been daydreaming of playing Rock Band, going running, playing Sims 3, making new Youtube videos, catching up on leisure reading, watching Wall-E, watching Mermaids (I don't know why those two movies are calling my name lately), catching up on TV, hanging out with friends and family I haven't seen, and more and more and more...
Uh oh. Will I make my weeked just as hectic as my weekdays? I HOPE NOT.
Note to self: RELAX AND ENJOY THIS THREE-DAY WEEKEND. DON'T STRESS YOURSELF OUT TRYING TO FIT IN TOO MANY ACTIVITIES!!!!
Braverism
IU Southeast to offer free fitness classes beginning Sept. 6
Each class will last for 13 weeks beginning the week of Sept. 5.
Core Fusion: Mondays, 12:15 p.m. – 1:05 p.m., Activities Building
Turbo Kick: Mondays, 5:30 p.m. – 6:30 p.m., Woodland Lodge
Yoga: Tuesdays, 5:30 p.m. – 6:30 p.m., Orchard Lodge
Zumba: Wednesday, 5:30 p.m. – 6:30 p.m., Woodland Lodge
Turbo Kick: Mondays, 5:30 p.m. – 6:30 p.m., Woodland Lodge
Yoga: Tuesdays, 5:30 p.m. – 6:30 p.m., Orchard Lodge
Zumba: Wednesday, 5:30 p.m. – 6:30 p.m., Woodland Lodge
-deep breath-
I am contemplating joining the Core Fusion exercise class at my school... I've never done a group exercise activity, unless you count clogging, which I don't. When I went to clogging class I could wear jeans and a t-shirt. I could wear comfortable clothing, in other words. To work out, I have to wear workout gear, which is ever so flattering to us of the whale-sized persuasion...
The thought of squeezing into my workout tights, t-shirt, and grubby tennies and standing in a group of fit gazelles makes me feel remarkably like a hippo out of water. A hippo that will then be flopping and undulating around, trying to emulate the no-doubt graceful, serene, and effortless movements of the thin wispy little beauties around me. Now, I know that the benefit of college over high school is that you're surrounded by adults as opposed to bitchy, catty, ignorant teenagers.
But how many of those mature adults will be standing there in that Core Fusion Class with me? I imagine most of the attendees will (A) know each other, all of them pursuing some sort of Fitness Trainer or Sports-related degree or (B) on a number of sports teams on campus. I doubt there will be any people there who need to lose weight.
What if I can't keep up with the class? (I'm sure I can, since I can keep up with Jillian Micheal's and Jackie Warner's workouts and those ladies don't let you have it easy!) What if the sight of my flab happily flapping around distracts everyone from their physical pursuits? What if the wind created from my huffing and puffing blows over a poor stick insect working out next to me? What if I'm the joke of the class when they all go to grab their Lite Lattes from the coffee shop on their way to their next class (no doubt something about Sports Biology)?
Am I just finding excuses to chicken out? Are these realistic fears? I wish I had someone to attend with me, then I would have someone, at least one soul, not making me feel like a total spaz trying to work out with the already-in-shape people that I'm sure will populate the class...
What if this is a great oppurtunity that I'm psyching myself out of? Maybe this class will be the motivation to kick me into high gear to lose the 57 pounds I am going to lose by April!
On the other hand....It could also be the biggest humiliation of my life.
I remember the gym classes of high school. I remember always coming in last. I remember not getting credit for the mile I ran/walked because I was about a minute over the fourteen minute limit. I remember everyone sitting in the bleachers watching us stragglers blob around the track and then not receiving credit for all that heart-attack inducing "work" of jiggling around the track. (I was actually not in too bad of shape in high school... but exaggerating that fact makes it more comical! I didn't put effort into gym class just because I didn't care about gym class. I was at school to learn, not look like an idiot in front of cheerleaders and asshole jocks. But I digress.)
Do I want to put myself into a similar situation at this point in my life?
For at least the first Monday of the class... I am going to try. Hopefully I can get up the nerve to stroll in there, warm up, and then hop right into a Core Fusion Class. I'm not even sure what Core Fusion is, but I'll keep up with the effortless exercisers even though I'll probably be sweating more and maybe breathing a bit harder. But I can do it! I have two weeks to really freak myself out about it before it starts, but I am going to give it an honest attempt! At least one class. If I hate it, I hate it. But I might love it!
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Back on.... Track? Yes. Just a slow start....
I'm a little worried.
I only worked out once this week, and it was a little torturous. I didn't enjoy it like I normally do, and I even cut it a few minutes short (I was meant to do 25 minutes on the elliptical, but only did 23). I'm finding it harder than I anticipated to get back into the swing of working out. Yes, my entire eating and sleeping schedule has been turned topsy turvy, and things at work have been rather hectic, but I should at least be able to fit in a workout during my lunch hour at work.
I managed that only once this week, and it was a 23 minute sprint on the elliptical. And it was torture. It was strenuous, my muscles burned and ached, and not in a good way like normal. I was begging for endorphins to kick in, but I'm afraid they never did and I just felt tired and groggy for the rest of the night...
This can't go on. I have to get back on my feet and working out! I have to start sweating again, an hour a day, everyday, working my body and getting this fat off me. My stomach churns when I walk past a mirror because I'm a whole month behind (although I've managed to maintain for that entire month, I have goals to meet and they aren't going to be met by maintaining, only by losing.)
I have plenty of activity scheduled for this weekend (walking with Mom to WorldFest on the Belvedere and also some kayaking) so hopefully that will boost me into next week where I will jump back into my daily workouts. Monday and Wednesday, due to my class and work schedule, I will only fit thirty minute workouts in. But I have no excuses the rest of the week. I have a few hours between school and work that I can fit in some exercise, and then every night on my lunch hour I can work out in the gym here at work.
Am I doing too much? Is it becoming too hard to maintain?
No. I can not let myself down again. I lost forty pounds the last time I decided to lose weight, then gained it back, plus more. That's not happening again. It simply isn't. I've lost 43 pounds, it's staying off, and I have a lot more to go. At least another 57 pounds by April 2012 will be melted off this body! There's simply no stopping and no looking back except to appreciate where I've been. I'm not going back there, I'm just not!
Onward!!!!
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