apologies and explanations

I miss doing daily entries in this journal and I have every intention of picking that habit back up and running with it, but lately things seem to just be hectic. My schedule is getting out of whack thanks to my county's judicial system (I was called for jury duty and so have suddenly been swept into the land of "rising before 7 AM" which I haven't done in three years) and tomorrow should be my last day of that annoying hiccup in my life.

Before that was the weekend, and on Saturday I had some friends over for idle chit-chat and fun, and we went to Denny's. Denny's is a restaurant I used to frequent quite often, and I did enjoy it. However, after eating my usual (buffalo chicken wrap) I felt quite sick that evening. I don't know if there was something wrong with the food, if I ate too much of it, or if I've been eating well enough that restaurant food that is fried and doused with excess fat and calories was too much for my digestive system to handle. I'm glad of the experience though, because from now on, if a friend insists we go out somewhere to eat, I'm definitely ordering a salad or something easy on my stomach. I've never had trouble eating pretty much anything before, but I like that my body doesn't seem to enjoy the foods I used to gorge myself on and overeat because that will help to stave off my cravings.

Sunday another friend came over, and it was her birthday today, so I made her a nice birthday dinner last night with dessert. Before we ate, though, we went on an energetic and long walk along my usual route, and we didn't idly stroll along, we kept a brisk pace the whole way. It was fun to have another walking partner, someone to chit chat with, and someone to keep the pace up as well. She may start working out with me in the evenings at my work, and I'm really excited because she'll motivate me to work harder and I hope to motivate her to work harder as well. She wants to try my old friend the elliptical, and I'll hope she loves it as much as I have.

I made her chicken carbonara (which was delicious, but I ate a little too much of it seeing how delicious it was. It was the first time I've had second helpings at a meal since I began this journey) and strawberry shortcake for dessert. I made sure to use Splenda in the strawberries and Lite whipped topping. I know it still wasn't healthy by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm sure it was better than going out to eat. She enjoyed it, and the food was quite tasty, so I'm happy with the outcome. I'm also glad we went for a nice walk as well, instead of our usual gossiping on the couch. Although I enjoy that, too, of course, but I get a satisfaction out of knowing I fit exercise into my gal pal time.

Today I didn't get to exercise at all, unless you count struggling to stay awake during court proceedings as exercise. Mentally, yes. But physically, I'm afraid not. I haven't sat that long at one time, either, since I began this journey. Even at work, I'm on my feet far more often than not, just because I don't like sitting around anymore. It makes me feel lazy. Tasks I used to do while sitting, I find myself standing and doing them, and for a long period of time before noticing, "Hey, I've been standing and doing this for three hours instead of leaning on the counter or dragging a chair over here!" It becomes effortless and just part of you, I promise it does. It's happening to me.

And in seeing my friends, I'm further encouraged to continue this journey, because they seem to notice the changes in my body. One friend mentioned how baggy the pants were I was wearing, and they are indeed getting embarrassingly baggy. But that's a good thing! I need to go pants (and bra shopping) soon! Another friend noticed that my arms were getting toner and made the comment that she could see the changes in how a top she had seen me in multiple times looked very different on me.

Those sorts of things are further motivation to continue what I'm doing and to work even harder at it. Jury duty could not have come at a worse time, but I know it's not going to be enough to knock me off the wagon. As soon as the court case is finished, I'm hopping right back on this horse and riding it into the battle, fighting my way to a happy and healthy victory!

I'm already feeling better about myself, have lots more energy, find myself in good moods and feeling happy most of the time, have lost a little weight, am getting more toned, and fitting into smaller clothes. Why on earth would I stop now? I'm not going to!

P.S. A little preview for an upcoming blog: THE PICTURES THAT PUSHED ME OVER THE EDGE. My top ten secret motivators entry explained ten motivators that weren't necessarily obvious in motivating me to meet these goals. However, pictures were taken of me at a baseball game that disgusted and appalled me, and I'm fighting with myself to show them here on this blog, and let you see the chili fries that broke that hippo's back. Isn't that how the saying goes? No? Well, that's my  new interpretation of it, and it's fitting. When you see the pictures, you'll see what I mean. I intend to do comparison shots, wearing either the same outfit, or a similar outfit that fits better, and taking pictures from the same angles, to show how far I've come along in a little under thirty days. So look forward to that post, hopefully I can get up the guts to show them!

day twenty-five, twenty-six, twenty-seven

Haven't had anything to report, really, just sticking to the normal things. Exercised once a day Thursday and Friday, didn't get to exercise today.

Day Twenty-Seven Stats:
Wake Up: 1 PM
Breakfast: none
Lunch: Hawaiian Stir Fry
Dinner: Buffalo chicken wrap with tortilla chips (Denny's)

probably too personal and involves my boobies.

You were warned.

Click the cut if you're curious as to what my boobies have to do with anything!

day twenty-four: picking myself up and carrying on

Today feels pretty good, considering how down I was yesterday about this journey. It was just a bump in the road, and I’m moving along past it quite well, all things considered. I’m looking forward to the rest of the week and getting back into exercising twice a day, as opposed to lazing around the first half of the day playing Sims 3 and then only exercising in the evening at work. 

I think that is where my down feelings were really coming from. I was feeling guilty about not exercising twice a day, and plus, weight isn’t falling off me like it was because my metabolism isn’t getting it’s boost until the evening! I want to keep it going all day long, giving it a boost in the afternoon and also in the evening. So I’m going to go back to exercising twice a day. 

I went for a brisk walk this morning and nothing has felt better. The weather was on the cold side (about 42 degrees F) but the cool air makes for a great walk. I don’t feel the uncomfortable slide of sweat down my back until I’m back at home and about to climb into the shower to clean it off. The walk that I did used to take me between 35-40 minutes. I did it today in just under 25 minutes. My walking pace has increased, and I wasn’t uncomfortably winded! 

Tonight I plan on doing the Biggest Loser Cardio Workout DVD, and I’m so excited. That workout always wears me out so hard. I’m nervous, however, because I didn’t bring my tennis shoes or my towel, so if I get too sweaty, taking a shower might not be an option. I usually do that workout DVD without shoes on, so not having my tennis shoes isn’t a big deal, it’s just the sweating really hard and not being able to take a shower afterward that’s going to drive me crazy. But I need a good, hard workout this week. I feel like I’ve been slacking and not really working myself hard. 

As I said yesterday, things are getting far too easy and tolerable. Exercising isn’t necessarily about pain, but if I’m not breaking a sweat or feeling any strain or struggle in my muscles, I just don’t feel like the workout was successful. So I’m gonna work out extra hard from here on out, twice a day when I can fit it in.

Day Twenty-four Stats: 

Wake Up: 12:30 PM

Breakfast: Raspberry yogurt, blueberries

Exercise: 25 minute brisk walk

Lunch: fish wrap and broccoli and cheese

Snack: Special K bar

Dinner: chicken cordon bleu and cottage cheese

day twenty-three: can't always be smooth sailing, i'm afraid!

The past few days have been so hard and I’m not sure why. I think I’m getting to the “burn out” point. Where changes aren’t occurring fast enough or drastic enough and I’m not feeling worn out from my exercising, and trying to push myself beyond that point seems to be so hard. 

I’ve been doing so well, and I’m going to keep going strong, but I’m not going to sugar coat the struggles. It’s getting hard. I have to push beyond what I’ve become comfortable doing and do much harder exercising to wear myself out. Twenty-five to thirty minutes on the elliptical has become too easy. I have to move beyond that. I have to develop new exercise routines to shock my muscles and get them to work as hard as they did when I started this journey. 

Today I decided to run up and down the stairwells at work. The building is four stories tall, and has a stairwell on each side of the building. My plan was to run up the left stairwell, four flights, then across the fourth floor (which is empty right now while they remodel it) and then down the right side, back up the right side, and across the fourth floor and down again. 

It seemed completely easy and doable in my head. I anticipated jogging up and down those stairs easily and with no muss or fuss. But it was so hard. I ran up the first four flights and my leg muscles were screaming at me in pain and frustration. I tried jogging across the fourth floor, but I ended up walking. I got to the second stairwell and going down those stairs was so hard. I was going quite slowly. Then back up was a painful trudge in which I really just wanted to sit down and forget the whole thing. But I pressed on and got to the top. I walked back across the fourth floor and down the left stairwell. 

I decided some fresh air might rejuvenate my leg muscles and let me catch my breath. I walked around the building, enjoying the sweet smell of spring and the sun’s shine sinking toward the horizon. I decided to try the whole routine again. But I got up to the third floor and it just hurt too badly. I was miserable. I went back down to the first floor and made my way to the gym, to try and work on my arms for a bit. 

I checked my phone for the time and was so sad to see I had only been at it for about 10 minutes, when my goal is to work out for at least 30 minutes. But going up and down four flights of stairs, twice, in ten minutes isn’t something to take lightly, but I didn’t feel worked out. I felt achy, sweaty, and not euphoric, as I usually do. Usually, with the kicking in of endorphins, I feel like I can fly. Not today. Today I just felt like curling into a ball and sleeping. 

I wandered around the gym, doing random amounts of reps on random machines. I lifted some weights, I tried to do inclined sit-ups (not easy) and even jumped on a different elliptical machine than I’m used to… I couldn’t get into a groove. I’m starting to see why people pay big money for personal trainers. I just wander around aimlessly, knowing I don’t want to do my usual routine on the elliptical, but having no idea what else to do… so I feel cheated out of the good workout I usually get. 

Tomorrow, I will definitely go for a walk before work, maybe do a jog if I can get up the energy and if the weather is nice, and then do a workout DVD here at work. The Biggest Loser Cardio DVD always gets me sweating and my heart pumping and I feel great after doing it. I’m also going to research some new exercise routines using the machines available to me here at work. 

I would also greatly appreciate any suggestions. I’m only on Week Four, I’m not giving up now! I’ve done so well, and there’s so much more I will accomplish, I just have to push! 

Day Twenty-Three Stats

Wake Up: 12:30 PM

Breakfast: none

Lunch: Pierogies with salsa

Snack: Special K bar

Exercise: Ran up four flights of stairs, down four flights, up four flights, down four flights, one lap around building, several reps on arm machines, bike, elliptical, inclined sit-ups

Dinner: Two tuna fish sandwiches on wheat bread, apple sauce

day twenty-two: say no to thinspiration!

Thinspiration. 

I hate that term. It’s ridiculous. You can idolize someone’s body, I suppose, but people who are dieting or seeking to lose weight seem to forget that no two people have the same body chemistry or body type. Everyone is different and unique. Different people put on weight in different places of their body, different people have different muscle structures on their bodies, and so on. 

I will never, ever have a thinspiration. I will never aspire to look like anyone else. Of course, I’ll have the occasional daydream that I wake up one morning and Scarlet Johansson is looking back at me through the mirror, but I won’t ever try to envision myself with her exact curves, her facial structure, or her body type. I may strive to fit into the size clothes she wears, but even then, I won’t fit them exactly like she does! I’ll have weight in different areas of my body than she does. We all do! Every person’s body is different than another’s. No two are the same! 

Another reason thinspirations are a terrible goal to strive for is that they are very seldom real. Most thinspirations are a celebrity and celebrities are not real. Their pictures are airbrushed and fixed in post-production. Photoshop can make a person look thin, unblemished, and perfect! Magazine photos, publicity shots, stills from movies, all of these are airbrushed and touched-up beyond recognition. None of those people look that way in real-life. You should never strive to be something that no one can ever be! It puts undue stress on you, and it won’t help you at all. It will only hinder you. The longer you go on trying to twist and turn in the mirror, wondering when you’ll finally start to look like Megan Fox, the longer you are only mentally abusing yourself and becoming weaker. 

Become the best you that you can possibly be. There’s already a Megan Fox: one with personal trainers and dietitians and make-up artists and stylists and photographers that touch up her photos. A whole team of people make her camera-ready. You have the potential to be absolutely gorgeous. Everyone does! I have the potential to be beautiful, and I’m going strong on the path to finding that within myself. 

Feeling good about yourself is an extension of health and happiness. Once you get your health under control, happiness will come, and self-confidence will follow. Don’t be afraid to become the best you that you possibly never even imagined you can be. I’m doing it, and so can you!

Day Twenty-Two Stats:

Wake Up: 1:30 PM (had a very late night)

Breakfast: None

Lunch: Chocolate milk, ham sandwich on wheat bread with mustard, cottage cheese with pineapple

“Snack”: ½ Jason’s Deli wrap with mushrooms and sprouts, grapes, blue corn chips with homemade salsa

Exercise: 25 Jump-n-Jacks, stretches, 25 minutes elliptical, X Mode activated

Dinner: Two tuna fish sandwiches on wheat bread, apple sauce

motivational quote: week four

"Obstacles are those frightening things that become visible when we take our eyes off our goals."

- Henry Ford

Henry Ford, an incredibly successful businessman who knows what he's talking about, brings me my motivation for Week Four.  His words remind me that in order to get past the obstacles in my way:
my own laziness,
my desire to eat lots of tasty (fattening and unhealthy) food,
my inability to leave a plate unfinished (thank you, Mom and Dad),
and many many other things,
I have to stay focused on my goals and rush right past them. I shouldn't even give them a cursory glance. Just keep my eyes on the prize, so to speak, and keep going in the right direction. When I take my eyes off my goal, when I relax and have a glance around, a stretch of the muscles, my obstacles will come into focus between myself and my goals and they might become too big to handle.

I liken this quote of Ford's to the idea of looking through a telescope at something in the far-off distance. When you're looking through the telescope, you can see the object you're looking at right up close, and nothing else. But when you take the telescope from your eye, you see the vast amount of space between you and the object, things that were cut out from your view when you had your eye pressed to the telescope.

I can't take my eye away from the telescope. I have to stay focused on my goal enough so that I can't see the obstacles or be distracted by them. I know they are there, I know the journey is long, but I have to remember how worth it the hard work will be. I have to remember what I'm getting at the end of it, in order to keep pursuing what I want.

I'm determined to do that! I've been doing great for nearly a month now, and I'm not slowing down or stopping anytime soon!