Wonderings and Self Deprivation

Here I go again getting in the way of my own happiness...

Sometimes I fearfully wonder how much the distance between us plays an active role in our attraction and yearning for the other... if we had met, say, in a club or on the street, would we feel the same about each other as we do now? In person, would our conversations have gone so deep, our sharing have been so personal and profound, our emotions so stretched and emaciated? I really do wonder if the mystery of him is enough of an alluring aspect of him to be the only alluring aspect of him...

This is one of my biggest fears... the other being that in person, my ugliness won't outweigh (pun intended) the positive parts of my personality that he's supposedly been able to explore more deeply considering all we have is conversation to connect with. We can't touch, we can't taste, we can't smell... we can only hear, and to a point we can see each other via webcam. Is that enough to really know someone? Is that enough to fall in love with someone?

I've been second-guessing myself lately. Really, there's nothing wrong with taking a step back and evaluating your emotions and feelings and figuring out just where, when, and why they came from... but I'm also afraid I'm only trying to talk myself out of something. I'm really good at side-stepping potentially hurtful or dangerous situations that could damage my heart or my head. I just close down and back away.

I don't want to do that, and I don't think he would let me, if I'm honest. Thinking of waking up one morning without his presence in my life is actually a very scary thought. I've never felt that way, truly, about anyone besides family before. I've been depressed thinking about that looming terror of death in the family and it's been scary and heartbreaking imagining what that could be like, but to feel that way about a physical stranger from another country? Someone I've never touched, I've only talked to and seen on a camera?

Am I crazy? Am I nuts? Is this stupid of me to feel this way? Why am I so compelled to believe in this man, to trust him, to share everything I am with him? Why am I so willing to open myself up and let him have me, flaws and all? It's been six months since our first-ever conversation (which was over Skype and lasted over 11 hours, by the way) and he's managed to become such a natural and integral part of my life, I just don't know what I would do without him.

And unlike with most people in my life, I am confident in saying that he feels the same way about me. I know that he cares for me, and has feelings for me. I've never felt confident or comfortable even daydreaming that anyone felt that way about me or ever could. But he does, and it's such a soothing and wonderful notion.

But even that doesn't erase the miles of dramatic ocean stretching between our two great countries. If plane tickets weren't so expensive, and vacation time from work not so scarce, I would have already been to England again by now. I miss the country so much, it's like a home-sickness for a place I've only visited once in my life. And now he's there, and that makes it so much more like a home I need to return to.

But even with those certainties, my stupid brain sometimes slips into doubts and fears. Is this all in my head? I joke with him that even he is a figment of my imagination and that he doesn't really exist. Wouldn't that be a plot twist to end all plot twists?

Besides his realness, I doubt sometimes how well we'll click in person. I know that shifting from online personas to the real-life thing can be tricky and oftentimes, disappointing. I don't want that to happen. I've given six months of my young life already to only this man. I deleted all my dating site profiles, I ignore any advances I may receive (granted... there are none, but I swear if there were, I would turn them down!), and I've settled in for the long-haul.

Is this ridiculous? I just don't know. But for now, it's working. The only thing straining the relationship is my lack of free time now that school has started (we've been reduced to texting back and forth, and only being able to talk on Skype 2-3 times a week for a measly hour or so at a time. That's a BIG difference from 2-4 hours everyday!) and the impatience of wanting to meet and not being able to because now is not the best time for either of us (money being both of our main issues at the moment).

If we can hang on and keep going strong, I think this could really work. I can't explain why I feel this is so right, but I do... so onward and upward! I can't let the creeping uncertainties keep me from enjoying myself and him to the fullest extent our circumstances will allow!!!

Dear Next Forty Pounds Lost,

I really don't like you right now. You are blobbing between me and a better version of me that I am striving to become. Getting rid of you will not be easy, but you know what? It's happening, my globby friend. You aren't staying around for much longer. I will use you as fuel for my harder workouts. I will use you as motivation to change my body and myself for the better. I will look back on you and smile, not because you have been a positive force in my life, oh no, but because I will know how you once held me down but then I became strong enough to push you out of my life for good.

And that's exactly what will happen, Next Forty Pounds Lost, you will be gone, for good, forever, for always. I hope you enjoyed your stay! You made me quite miserable, but I hope you enjoyed clinging to my bones all this time. I hope you enjoyed making my heart work harder and my body less stable and more weak. I hope you enjoyed making me dread clothes' shopping and sitting in school desks. I hope you enjoyed humiliating me and making me feel like less of a human. I hope you enjoyed all that because this is the end.

This is where we say our goodbyes and never see each other again. You will join the Last Forty Pounds I Lost in being expunged from my life forever. I hope the eighty of you get along well, because you're never invited back onto my body!

With much resentment,
Happy, Healthy Gina

Confessions and Fears

Is forty pounds lost going to be the place I lose momentum and start sliding back down the slope to miserably gaining weight and hating my body and myself? It happened the last time I made a big push to lose weight. I lost forty pounds, and before I knew it, months had gone past without a single minute of exercise being instigated and the forty pounds found it's way back onto my body and then some...

I've worked so hard to gain that ground back for myself, am I really weak enough to let it take me under again? Am I really weak enough to give up all my hard work and go back to eating Taco Bell everyday and sitting around doing nothing in my free time as opposed to exercising, planning healthy meals to eat, and working on making myself a healthier and happier person?

The simple answer is: I can't. I can't go back to how I was. I can't go back to avoiding mirrors and cute clothes and cameras and friends and family and being happy! I am getting used to those things now and turning away from them just seems like emotional suicide... To throw away all I've worked for seems the utmost crime against myself I could ever commit! I simply can't do it. There is no turning back. Going back to that dark and lonely place... that would be giving up on myself, everyone who cares about me, and my life. I might as well go to sleep and not wake up, as melodramatic as that sounds, if I allow myself to be that weak.

I made a promise that I was going to lose this weight. I have no one to blame but myself for gaining it, and no one but me is going to make it go away. This is a no-failure, success-only, self-motivated plan of attack. There's no backing down, there's no giving up, there's no weakness. This isn't the end of my journey, just a long stay at the rest stop. I've caught my breath, I've enjoyed the scenery, now it's time to pack myself up and strike out on the next phase of my journey: the next forty pounds lost.

Random

I just figured out that I had this blog set up to only accept comments from registered users... I know a few of you gentle readers don't have blogger ID's, so I changed it to allow comments from anyone and everyone. So feel free to comment away! I just have to approve them first, so they may not appear immediately, but I will get them and approve them! :)

This Weekend

I'm looking forward to this weekend. Not only is it a three-day weekend and today was payday, but World Fest is going on in downtown Louisville! It's a FREE festival (which means there's no admission charge... it's FREE. GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASS AND GO, FOOL!) and I love all the dance and culture demonstrations and eating delicious food from all corners of the globe and seeing all the arts and crafts from anywhere and everywhere.

Mom and I are planning on parking on the Indiana side of the river and walking over the bridge to the Belvedere to enjoy the festival. My only holdup is that this entire weekend is supposed to have upper nineties and even triple digit degrees outside, so it will be pretty hot and miserable weather-wise... We plan on cooling down on the lake in our kayaks later in the evening, though, so it shouldn't be too unbearable.

After World Fest and kayaking, I'm looking forward to just having some time to prop my feet up and relax. I won't be on a hectic schedule trying to get here, there, and everywhere. No time constraints, just me and my day stretching out ahead of me, empty and lovely. I have some trivial homework assignments to complete. but nothing stressful or incredibly time-consuming, so this weekend is going to be pretty laid-back, carefree, and chill... just how I like them! I'll even have time to watch some old X-Files episodes and random documentaries with my man and possibly even go see a movie!

It's insane how much I think of doing when just the idea of free time is sent my way. I've been daydreaming of playing Rock Band, going running, playing Sims 3, making new Youtube videos, catching up on leisure reading, watching Wall-E, watching Mermaids (I don't know why those two movies are calling my name lately), catching up on TV, hanging out with friends and family I haven't seen, and more and more and more...

Uh oh. Will I make my weeked just as hectic as my weekdays? I HOPE NOT.

Note to self: RELAX AND ENJOY THIS THREE-DAY WEEKEND. DON'T STRESS YOURSELF OUT TRYING TO FIT IN TOO MANY ACTIVITIES!!!!

Braverism

IU Southeast to offer free fitness classes beginning Sept. 6

Each class will last for 13 weeks beginning the week of Sept. 5. 

Core Fusion: Mondays, 12:15 p.m. – 1:05 p.m., Activities Building
Turbo Kick: Mondays, 5:30 p.m. – 6:30 p.m., Woodland Lodge
Yoga: Tuesdays, 5:30 p.m. – 6:30 p.m., Orchard Lodge
Zumba: Wednesday, 5:30 p.m. – 6:30 p.m., Woodland Lodge

-deep breath-

I am contemplating joining the Core Fusion exercise class at my school... I've never done a group exercise activity, unless you count clogging, which I don't. When I went to clogging class I could wear jeans and a t-shirt. I could wear comfortable clothing, in other words. To work out, I have to wear workout gear, which is ever so flattering to us of the whale-sized persuasion...

The thought of squeezing into my workout tights, t-shirt, and grubby tennies and standing in a group of fit gazelles makes me feel remarkably like a hippo out of water. A hippo that will then be flopping and undulating around, trying to emulate the no-doubt graceful, serene, and effortless movements of the thin wispy little beauties around me. Now, I know that the benefit of college over high school is that you're surrounded by adults as opposed to bitchy, catty, ignorant teenagers.

But how many of those mature adults will be standing there in that Core Fusion Class with me? I imagine most of the attendees will (A) know each other, all of them pursuing some sort of Fitness Trainer or Sports-related degree or (B) on a number of sports teams on campus. I doubt there will be any people there who need to lose weight.

What if I can't keep up with the class? (I'm sure I can, since I can keep up with Jillian Micheal's and Jackie Warner's workouts and those ladies don't let you have it easy!) What if the sight of my flab happily flapping around distracts everyone from their physical pursuits? What if the wind created from my huffing and puffing blows over a poor stick insect working out next to me? What if I'm the joke of the class when they all go to grab their Lite Lattes from the coffee shop on their way to their next class (no doubt something about Sports Biology)?

Am I just finding excuses to chicken out? Are these realistic fears? I wish I had someone to attend with me, then I would have someone, at least one soul, not making me feel like a total spaz trying to work out with the already-in-shape people that I'm sure will populate the class...

What if this is a great oppurtunity that I'm psyching myself out of? Maybe this class will be the motivation to kick me into high gear to lose the 57 pounds I am going to lose by April!

On the other hand....It could also be the biggest humiliation of my life.

I remember the gym classes of high school. I remember always coming in last. I remember not getting credit for the mile I ran/walked because I was about a minute over the fourteen minute limit. I remember everyone sitting in the bleachers watching us stragglers blob around the track and then not receiving credit for all that heart-attack inducing "work" of jiggling around the track. (I was actually not in too bad of shape in high school... but exaggerating that fact makes it more comical! I didn't put effort into gym class just because I didn't care about gym class. I was at school to learn, not look like an idiot in front of cheerleaders and asshole jocks. But I digress.)

Do I want to put myself into a similar situation at this point in my life?

For at least the first Monday of the class... I am going to try. Hopefully I can get up the nerve to stroll in there, warm up, and then hop right into a Core Fusion Class. I'm not even sure what Core Fusion is, but I'll keep up with the effortless exercisers even though I'll probably be sweating more and maybe breathing a bit harder. But I can do it! I have two weeks to really freak myself out about it before it starts, but I am going to give it an honest attempt! At least one class. If I hate it, I hate it. But I might love it!

Back on.... Track? Yes. Just a slow start....

I'm a little worried. 

I only worked out once this week, and it was a little torturous. I didn't enjoy it like I normally do, and I even cut it a few minutes short (I was meant to do 25 minutes on the elliptical, but only did 23). I'm finding it harder than I anticipated to get back into the swing of working out. Yes, my entire eating and sleeping schedule has been turned topsy turvy, and things at work have been rather hectic, but I should at least be able to fit in a workout during my lunch hour at work. 

I managed that only once this week, and it was a 23 minute sprint on the elliptical. And it was torture. It was strenuous, my muscles burned and ached, and not in a good way like normal. I was begging for endorphins to kick in, but I'm afraid they never did and I just felt tired and groggy for the rest of the night...

This can't go on. I have to get back on my feet and working out! I have to start sweating again, an hour a day, everyday, working my body and getting this fat off me. My stomach churns when I walk past a mirror because I'm a whole month behind (although I've managed to maintain for that entire month, I have goals to meet and they aren't going to be met by maintaining, only by losing.) 

I have plenty of activity scheduled for this weekend (walking with Mom to WorldFest on the Belvedere and also some kayaking) so hopefully that will boost me into next week where I will jump back into my daily workouts. Monday and Wednesday, due to my class and work schedule, I will only fit thirty minute workouts in. But I have no excuses the rest of the week. I have a few hours between school and work that I can fit in some exercise, and then every night on my lunch hour I can work out in the gym here at work. 

Am I doing too much? Is it becoming too hard to maintain? 

No. I can not let myself down again. I lost forty pounds the last time I decided to lose weight, then gained it back, plus more. That's not happening again. It simply isn't. I've lost 43 pounds, it's staying off, and I have a lot more to go. At least another 57 pounds by April 2012 will be melted off this body! There's simply no stopping and no looking back except to appreciate where I've been. I'm not going back there, I'm just not! 

Onward!!!!